Original Link : https://medium.com/@krisgage/attachment-is-not-love-7b42b2388025
And non-attachment doesn’t mean detached
The concept of holding something dear to us, and taking care of it — whether it’s an item, an idea, or a person — without becoming attached to it. It’s holding a thing gently, lightly. It’s allowing a thing to exist beyond ourselves, and what it means for us.
“Love” is not attachment; “Attachment” is not love.
Attachment is about fear. And fighting against the entire universe. Thing change — everything changes — and attachment to outcomes or situations is setting ourselves up for heartbreak.
I always like to share Huxley here:
“It’s dark because you are trying too hard.
Lightly child, lightly. Learn to do everything lightly.
Yes, feel lightly even though you’re feeling deeply.
Just lightly let things happen and lightly cope with them.”
– Aldous Huxley, Island
I like it even better than the Buddha, frankly, because he feels a little more accessible, but I’ll share the Buddha’s message too:
“Desire is the root cause of suffering. The dropping of desire brings an end to suffering.“
This is not to say that we go through life without love; rather, that we redefine what “love” means, and accept a healthier alternative; a definition that does not involve addiction and craving, but rather lightness and compassion.
“To love is not to ask anything in return, not even to feel that you are giving something, and it is only such love that can know freedom.” ~ Jiddu Krishnamurti
But non-attachment does not mean “detached”
This is where we get lost. We go too far in the other direction and sometimes people think I’m talking about being cold or unloving or love avoidants, and I’m not.
We love in the way we might touch something fragile; a small creature, or something dear. We love in the way we sit in the sun, in the way we hold sand — that is to say, we do so lightly.
“Not giving up the things in this world, but accepting the fact and to be continuously aware that nothing is permanent.” ~ Aditya Ajmera
It does not mean aloofness, indifference, apathy, but rather acceptance. It’s love without anxiety. It’s love without presumption. It’s love with lightness.
Practicing Non-Attachment In Your Life
A few steps:
- Seek security in yourself rather than externally
- Develop emotion boundaries, a separation of self and everything else
- Develop an awareness of how we’re interconnected to the universe, not just the object of our desire
- Develop a humility of the self
To love means giving them full range of motion, and space to exist in their lives. It means accepting that what we have will one day fade away — due to death or change. It means recognizing them as other people not responsible for our emotions — or emotional wellbeing. It means managing our own lived experience just as much as we allow them theirs. It is allowing them space to make mistakes, to be imperfect (forever), to have space to live their own lives that are separate from ours.