The Freedom of Indifference
Admittedly, I have seen a lot of people that have spent their entire lives basking in the freedom of indifference.
Be it in the form of isolated behaviors, or an outright ‘I don’t give a flying fart’ attitude, those people had some sort of a superpower that I frequently wished would wash up on the shores of my world one day. If we are being completely honest with ourselves, feeling, I mean really feeling deeply, is kind of a bummer sometimes.
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that I am speaking about Love and Relationships, the trials and tribulations that led me on some form of a philosophical journey to unlocking the inner workings of my mind.
I wish that I had something more to give you by way of a sweet-sounding, rhythmic sonnet of sorts, but instead, I have a little story about the day that I finally gained access to a little know superpower. One that I think some folks may have knowingly been gifted with at birth: The art of possessing situational indifference.
What do you mean that’s not a superpower? Come on now, I worked all the way up to this point just for you to tell me that it isn’t a secret power, possessed by very few indigenous….
Okay, I digressed, let’s move on.
“Oh, hey! Good Morning.”
Iwalked casually past him as his big brown eyes stayed tuned in to the show that was playing on the television. How in the world could he even fix his lips to say good morning to me after strolling in here at three o’clock in the morning, again?
My hair, gently swept into a bear clip, was resting upon my neck whilst I watched the slow dripping of my liquid sunshine flow into a mug that my daughter gave me years before. I couldn’t help but feel a tear run down my cheek as I held back the urges to do and say the most wretched of things to this man. But what would that profit me? Arguing about something that, when all is said and done, he will just go on to do over and over again.
Those fictitious apologies mean little to me anymore, almost as little as the lies that slither out of his mouth. I’ve yet to tell if he is a true human or filled with reptilian blood, the way that he sneaks around here as if a snake draped in the skin of a human man.
“I don’t lie to you.”
His claims have fallen on deaf ears again. I think that this time has marked just one too many.
Wiping my tears away, I carefully grabbed the coffee mug and began to walk back into the front room for a bit of light conversation. And then it hit me. It hit me like a bag of rocks, yet somehow made me feel as light as a feather. I don’t have to care about someone who doesn’t care about me, someone that doesn’t help my life in any way but hinders growth in areas that I should be thriving.
That one line, ‘should be thriving’, kept playing in my mind. A record on repeat that brought to recollection all of the pain and anguish that this situation has delivered to me. Sitting there thinking about this epiphany must have caused me to lose track of time or maybe reality as a whole because before I had a chance to readjust myself on the couch, I could hear him saying that he had to go into work and might be working late again.
Smiling, I walked up to him with my arms outstretched and gave him the usual hug, not daring to let on that I was upset. You see, along with that epiphany came some strange sense of peace. I all of a sudden felt as though I was free to be myself again without the fear of losing someone who hadn’t placed value in my companionship in the first place.
It was exhilarating, intoxicating. Hell, it was downright euphoric and it was a feeling that I didn’t want to compromise.
That euphoric feeling that I was having, well, at first it was hard to keep up, maintain, and carry over to other areas of my life. I couldn’t imagine how one ‘ah-ha’ moment was going to change my life, so I decided to be proactive and work towards creating an ‘On/Off’ switch for that type of feeling, a switch that I dubbed the ‘Switch of Situational Indifference’.
Ha Ha Ha, cool name, right?
Yeah, I know!
The process was fairly simple, I started by making note of situations that took me out of my character or caused me to feel as though I were less than. Next up was going to be a full audit of these trigger points. Personally, I found that taking notes on my trigger points was crucial.
After doing this for exactly three days I realized that I have quite a few triggers that I hadn’t previously acknowledged, so I decided to sit down for two weeks and commit myself to fully dissecting each trigger point and writing out the pros and cons of either keeping or removing that person, item, vice, etc. from my everyday world.
Would it hurt me to go without certain friends because they are heading down a path that is not cohesive with mine, thus causing mental stress and anxiety when around?— Nah, not really.
Should I even want to stay with a man who struts in at 3 in the morning?— Oh, hell no!
Can I actually control others ability to be on time to important events and gatherings?— Nope.
So, if I cannot do these things effectively, without bringing additional burdens upon myself, then why should I put so much energy into them? I had to teach myself to be honest about what brings me inner turmoil before I could easily shake those things off and let them go.
Consciously working on the art of being situationally indifferent has brought a lot of clarity and outright happiness into my life. There is just an incredible sense of freedom that comes along with not being so high strung that crying seems like the only way to release your frustrations. By looking inwardly and being fully honest with myself, I was able to discover a road to happiness that I hadn’t ever seen before.
Don’t worry, I still have the same passion for life and love as I had before, only now, it is centered more in my love of Christ and my concern for my mental wellness and peace of mind.
Have you been able to enjoy living as a situationally indifferent superhuman?