I’ve never had an easy time living in the present. Rarely, have I ever been mentally at ease enough to feel like I could work towards something. Always some health problem to attend to. It’s easier living in fear, because fear I know. It keeps me grounded, but it also keeps me from living. It’s easier to be comfortable in the world I know, the world I live in, the palpable, the undeniably real.
Moving forward gives me fear, not the fear I know, but the fear I don’t. The fear I know is one of loss, change, sadness, abandonment or the unknown. It’s scary to think those are the things I’m used to. It’s always been easy for me to give away things, because things always feel like they are temporary. That when it’s in my hands it’s always borrowed. Never mine.
Life is change, and even though I accept that. Life is also the same, curated by my fear of living. I guess you can say, I’ve always been afraid of being truly alive. Because at high points you feel so incredible, you forget just how bad things can get. So to balance yourself, you avoid those highs, so when the lows come, it’s more bareable.
Being blindsided by loss, because you were not afraid anything bad would happen, or by simple naivite had led me down paths that I am surprised I came back from. I considered myself a strong woman, comparing myself only to what I know. Years and years, I have been called weak, emotional, immature. Because I cry, because I can’t just suck it up, because I can’t just bury my head in the sand. I cry, so I don’t get angry, so I don’t yell, or lose my shit.
I feel everything. It’s like a curse, a gift, but nonetheless something I have failed to turn into a superpower. Because we are all supposed to be able to turn our weaknesses into strengths. I have never in my life been able to stick out something against my inner being. But now, I wonder if that inner being is actually me, or fear, a second feeling that that been secretly controlling my life.
Something my conscious self knows is there, but I can’t avoid it. So my question is, how do you know the difference between intuition, where you listen to yourself, and the fear that perverts your intuition, mimicking it, dressed in camouflage, pretending to be your best friend – while it’s secretly raping you of your best life?
I struggle with knowing the difference because something always interrupts the growth — the forward momentum. So you just stop trying, because it all becomes too painful to believe in a better, healthier feeling future.