I used to love time and space. I craved time to do nothing. To wonder. To read. To write. To loose myself in thought. I used to love space so I could breathe. So I could create. So I could be alone. At the moment time and space is exactly what I want to shorten and narrow.
All I know is that the universe has grander plans. And so I must trust her. Give her the benefit of the doubt that this amount of time and space she is currently gifting me in this experience is necessary. Despite wanting the exact opposite of space and time. I am craving closeness.
This gift of time and space has been teaching me so much about myself. About communication. About time and about love. It has challenged me to be open when I want to be closed and guarded. It has pushed me to remain patient despite being very impatient and every morning when the sunrises I know I am one day closer. We are one day closer.
What are we closer to? We are all closer to an opportunity. The opportunity to take the additional day that we have been gifted that so many people are not. We are given another opportunity to discover, to choose and to be whatever it is we desire. The hardest part I am finding in this opportunity of time and space is staying connected to this feeling and vibration I have. It is hard to stay connected to something that has so much space and time between. It is hard to choose to believe and trust that it will be worth it.
That all the late nights. The early mornings. The investment of my time, energy and money will be worth it. Trusting this feeling is one of the scariest and most vulnerable things that I have ever embarked on. At every turn I have looked and I am continuing to look for an way out. To find a way to say no. A way to say this can’t possibly ever work.
And at every turn, my heart gently reminds me “There is no out darling”.
You see the finding an out, a way to say no, this won’t work. That is my head talking, and she can run a fucking marathon around any situation to find every possible issue with it. She will find a way to blame someone or sabotage any good thing. It is something I used to be an expert at. Because I thrived off the drama. It validated me. Because I couldn’t possibly be worthy of great things to happen to me.
Even today, knowing that time and space is coming to end, I have tried to sabotage something. I looked to blame or find a way to wiggle out of this situation. Because the thought of… and that is the thing. It is a thought. Not a feeling. And if I’ve learnt anything this past year, it is that I have many wrong thoughts but my feelings so far have never been wrong.
I have allowed my thoughts to stay in a job because I wanted to prove a point. 10 months after walking away from said job, sitting at lunch with my recruiter today, I know in my heart it is the best thing I have ever done for my career.
I have allowed my thoughts to stay in unhealthy relationships because I couldn’t possibly get a better man, and the longer I stayed, the louder my heart screamed I needed to leave.
I have allowed my thoughts to tell me everyday that I was not beautiful. It’s taken a lot of practicing self love to soften those thoughts.
Leading with my heart is still an experience I am learning. It takes time and space (oh the irony). It requires me to soften and quite the mind. It requires me to be brave and vulnerable when it is the opposite of what I want to be. Since the day I sat and watched the most magical sunrise of my life that I made a promise to myself, that I would lead with my heart. And every moment since where I have chosen my heart over my thoughts, I am gentled reminded that this is the right path. That we are on the right path.